Wednesday, July 22, 2020

The Best Non-Political Reasons To Wear A Face Mask

It's pretty common sense to wear a face mask to keep from breathing in anything that might be harmful. It's been practiced for hundreds of years. Unfortunately that act of self protection has turned into a political battle. It's become a litmus test of a person's adherence or rebellion towards authority.

While that battle rages, I think wearing a mask is great. But it has nothing to do with my political affiliation or opinion of the effectiveness of the country's battle against Covid. There are lots of terrific practical reasons why I think we should all wear face masks, even after we conquer this terrible episode of human history. Here are my personal observations after wearing a face mask daily for the last four months.

1. You never have to trim your nose hair. No more lectures from the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy team about how important it is to trim your nose hair. Just let it grow until you can braid it. Nobody will ever know.

2. You don't have to worry about food getting lodged in your teeth. You know how you worry whether there is a small piece of salad stuck in your teeth after lunch? No problem anymore if you're wearing a mask.

3. Bad Breath. This applies to both you and the patient. That breakfast of onion bagels with sour cream and chives cream cheese spread followed by a cup of strong Starbucks? The only one who can smell your breath is you.

4. Don't you hate it when a giant zit starts growing on your nose? Face mask it and you won't feel like your pimply fifteen year old self all over again.

5. Make elevators safe again. Everybody's experienced that fearful feeling when somebody in the elevator rudely coughs or sneezes. You try to hold your breath the instant it happens but inevitably you breathe in that person's respiratory droplets and viruses. If everyone is wearing a mask, there no worry of catching something contagious because you were too lazy to walk up one floor to get to work.

6. I don't want to make my frown upside down. Some people like myself just have natural frowny faces. It's a chore to always remind myself to turn up the corners of my mouth so patients don't think I'm mad at them. Now I can just draw a smile on the outside of my mask and look like I'm smiling ALL THE TIME. Whoopee!

7. My dentist can kiss my ass. With my mouth covered all the time, why should I spend thousands of dollars on teeth whitening and dental care? I can let my teeth rot to the core and nobody would notice. The mask would also cover up all the bad breath (see #3).

8. Shaving accidents. The world no longer has to know all the shaving nicks and cuts on my face because I'm too cheap to get a new blade. 

9. That cheesy mustache. Feel like growing a handlebar mustache like your great uncle who performed in a barbershop quartet but are worried about the ridicule? Wear a mask and go for it.

10. Nothing wrong with tongue or lip piercings. Express your inner emo. Now you too can get your perioral body parts that are covered by a mask pierced to your heart's content and still look prim and professional. 

As you can see there are tons of good reasons to wearing a face mask that are applicable even after we get over the pandemic. Masks--they aren't just for surgeons anymore. 

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