How Not To Go Christmas Shopping

Through great personal anguish and sheer stupidity, here are some lessons I've learned about how not to go Christmas shopping with the family.

5. Don't go shopping in the early afternoon on the busiest shopping day of the year. By the time you find parking, you and your spouse will be at each other's throats.

4. Don't go shopping if the kids are hungry or it interferes with their nap times. They will be grouchy and uncooperative. Guaranteed to ruin your shopping trip.

3. Don't spend too much time at the first store you enter. There is a tendency to shop enthusiastically at the first store, where everything looks inviting and you have all the energy in the world. But very soon the kids get bored and whiny and you have less stamina to shop other stores.

2. Don't shop when your wife is having PMS. Enough said.

1. This is a cardinal rule for you guys out there. Don't let your wife catch you looking at another woman, no matter how much younger and hotter she is than the wife. Nothing good can come of this, even if it is all "innocent."

There you go. Now go out there and shop til you drop to turn this country's economy around. Your president will love you for it.